My favorite soft drink used to be Pebco. Maybe you've heard of it? It was amazing, but lately there's been some drama.
There's two versions of it now, Pebco and Blue Pebco. People say to me: "Blue Pebco fixes all the problems with Pebco. Why do you keep complaining? Just stick with Blue Pebco and let the original do it's own thing. Problem solved. Quit your bitching."
I don't think so. I'm not going to shut up about this.
You have to understand, Pebco used to be incredible. It was better than anything else out there. It had zero calories, was made with stevia and yet somehow still tasted exactly as if it was made with real sugar. On top of that, Pebco had this distinctive, beautiful iridescent blue color. It was even part of their initial marketing slogan: "A sugar-free treat as sweet as a peach and blue as the sky"
Some noticed it for the flavor, and some just because it represented the perfect answer to "Big Sugar" companies. We got to screw "the man", and enjoy the taste, all at the same time! Whatever your reasons for drinking it, Pebco was fantastic and everyone who tried it couldn't stop talking about it. We told all of our friends, and they told theirs. It was a big deal.
Then, the company that made Pebco got bought by some coprophiles (look it up) who thought that the best way to improve my favorite drink was to add shit to it. Like, literal feces. In a soft drink. It was awful. They called it "seg-shit" and they said it was the best thing ever. Needless to say, it was no longer blue but instead had a rather distinctive, yet familiar brown color. There was also a smell.
Evidently Pebco wasn't actually for drinking, it was a "store of value." If the can was never opened, it didn't matter how it looked, smelled or tasted. The latest theory is that aluminum cans with shit in them are collectible, because all the shit comes from one very specific geriatric dude living high in the Himalayas. After he dies there won't ever be any more shit quite like his. "Get it while you can, from the can, in a can!" they say.
As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
At this point, numerous people started pointing out that human feces do not constitute a taste explosion.
In response to the backlash, AllBlockedUp, the company that bought out Pebco, started to aggressively censor any and all criticism. They hired a virtual army of shills and trolls to explain that human waste was a perfectly reasonable and delightful ingredient in a beverage. We were told that AllBlockedUp had hired the highest quality Chefs to improve Pebco and we had no right to judge their decisions.
Luckily, even though the manufacturer of Pebco was bought by AllBlockedUp, the original recipe was public knowledge and the "Pebco" name wasn't trademarked. So, a group of people got together and said, "Hey, let's try using the original recipe, without the shit." They called themselves "Blue Pebco."
Now, if you want to enjoy a beverage without the turds you can buy a Blue Pebco.
However, for years we were all extolling the virtues of Pebco. People say, "Hey weren't you really into Pebco? You told me all about how awesome it is, but when I went to try it, well, it tasted like shit! What's up with that?"
These assholes have made liars out of early adopters. They literally think that their shit doesn't stink.
Squadrons of financial gurus that have never tried a soft drink (they stick with Perrier and single malt Scotch) discuss the financials of Pebco regularly without acknowledging that Pebco's products contain raw sewage.
Unfortunately, there are still five times as many people buying Pebco as Blue Pebco. This, of course, is thanks to the aggressive and deceptive marketing tactics being employed. Naturally, there is very little discussion of how many people are drinking the Pebco that they buy. All that we hear about are the sales numbers.
AllBlockedUp is now developing a new proprietary "lightning spice" for Pebco which will, allegedly, help cover the taste of the shit. However, their master chefs have been working on it for a suspiciously long time and haven't quite perfected it. The latest version of the recipe looks to be a long list of rare ingredients present in small quantities, along with 95% high-fructose corn syrup. So much for "sugar free."
Then, on top of all that, the troll army has been instructed to call Blue Pebco "B.Pee." and laugh like drunken hyenas about it.
Even though I'm now drinking Blue Pebco and enjoying the original feces-free formula, I'm still a bit angry about this.
Given the circumstances, I think that continuing to suggest that maybe -- just maybe -- we shouldn't include shit in soft drinks is not unreasonable.
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Enormous thanks go to u/jessquit on reddit, who sent me a very generous tip via tippr in response to a comment that was the initial inspiration for this rant.

 

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