Up and Down the Market - non-fiction scenes from London life. Amber's Clients Part 2: Mr Doggie (contains adult language)
London's East End. 2005.
"I thought Ashley would never leave. Here - quick! Just because we're at work doesn't mean we can't have a little drinkipoos," said my new manager, ducking down to pull a hip flask from her bag.
"Are you sure? OK - thanks. Chin chin!"
"Mustn't get too pissed. I usually get through on just a couple of whisky coffees and my nine o'clock spliff. Here - have a few of these. I used to nick them but they're not worth the risk since they've installed the cameras. Saved me a fortune on dog biscuits, though,” cackled Amber, "Mr Doggie wanted Bonios but I read they add roadkill and all sorts so I used to nick these instead. Don't they look just like dog treats?"
"He's a doctor," explained Amber, "a GP. Sad. He hasn't got a girlfriend, even though he's such a nice guy. Got such a lot going for him. Martin. Must earn a fortune. Comes round about once a fortnight. I have to buckle up his red studded collar then walk him round the flat."
"Does he take his clothes off?"
Amber cackled, "Of course he does! How many Rottweilers you know wearing suits?"
"Is he a Rottweiler?"
"I've never asked what breed. Perhaps I should? In my head, he's some kind of mongrel. A cute little Heinz 57, waggin is tail, I guess. Aah."
"Does he need to poop on the floor?"
"He wouldn't dare - not on my new laminate!"
"Does he chase the cat?"
"Hang on - are you taking the piss?" snapped Amber. "This isn't about being a real dog, you know. I ain't gonna be doing any de-worming or blow drying any fucker's pubes....."
"Honestly, I'm serious. I promise. I was wondering about his psychology - how far does it go?"
"This isn't about psy fucking -chology, it's about sex!" Amber cackled, "You just have to get on with it. Mr Doggie likes to strip off, then we have a walk and I tell him off and he has to go and sit in the corner. On his lead and maybe he will deserve a biscuit before kennel time. Not fucking interrogate him! You're not a therapist!" Amber tutted, "You would make the worst working girl...."
Keep an eye out for Part 3. If you're enjoying the series, please consider tipping this writer-in-development. Thanks to everyone who does.